


i've fallen and i can't get (off your dick)

by ElasticElla



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Age Play, Bottom Ryan, Crack, Elderly Age Play, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 02:17:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14345859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElasticElla/pseuds/ElasticElla
Summary: “You’ve got to be kidding.”Shane’s eyes fucking sparkle, “I never kid in my old age, might set off a heart attack.”





	i've fallen and i can't get (off your dick)

**Author's Note:**

> commissioned by [mel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrymellie/pseuds/starrymellie), written by me, and adored by every single user of the bfu writers discord, i present elderly age play
> 
> special thank you to [jay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ActualBuckyBarnes/pseuds/Cat) for letting me use their viagra line (you snort it right?)

Like most terrible ideas Shane has, it starts with the Ruining History props. In the past there’d been the model white house that they weren’t allowed to burn on camera- so obviously they had to have a house burning party with s’mores. Then there were all the gummy bears that didn’t even make it to the episode because Shane decided to soak them in vodka, and then they were forgotten in the fridge when it was time for filming. And Ryan honestly doesn’t even remember what happened after the Johnny Appleseed episode, the five of them drinking applejack until there was no more to be found. 

So Ryan knows Shane is up to _something_ when he winks at him, handing him a gray beard. But Ryan’s professional enough to not call out his boyfriend in front of everyone. He’ll just ask about it after the episode. 

But then Steven takes him away at the end to talk about a theme park worth it episode, and Ryan is _so_ game, the two of them quickly shooting ideas back and forth. Did they want it to be a series? There are so many park delights to compare: fried dough, cotton candy, roller coasters, water slides, scenery, photo ops, gift shops. The more they talk, the more excited Ryan gets, and when he finally goes home, he fills Shane in on Steven’s new project. 

Later he’ll look back on this day and think how foolish, how shortsighted (shut up Shane) he’d been. 

.

Shane’s kissing up the back of his neck, nails lightly scratching over his lower belly. The sensation goes straight to his dick, and Shane knows it too, the teasing bastard.

“I have something for you to wear in the bathroom. Will you baby?” 

Ryan leans back, looking over his shoulder. Shane seems a little too mirthful, not lingerie then or a toy. Probably a joke item- in the bedroom those were often fun for a one-off, and Ryan wouldn’t mind a little character play tonight. Last time had been the purple feather boa and a pair of handcuffs, and he can’t deny that afternoon went very well. 

“Maybe,” Ryan decides, pushing back into Shane’s groin once more before leaving his arms. 

Shane swats his ass as he walks away, “Minx.” 

There isn’t a box or bag in the bathroom, only one item ridiculous enough that Ryan even opens the cabinets to check there. With a defeated sigh, because there’s no way he’s willingly putting such an ugly itchy thing on his face again, Ryan grabs it and goes back into the bedroom. He’s halfway through a joke about arthritis in his head when he sees Shane and loses track of all thought. 

Shane’s lounging on their bed: completely naked, lazily stroking his cock, and with the terrible gray beard. It’s so many conflicting feelings, his brain stutters for a moment before words come. 

Ryan drops his set of gray whiskers, “You’ve got to be kidding.” 

Shane’s eyes fucking sparkle, “I never kid in my old age, might set off a heart attack.” 

“I hate you so much.” 

Shane lets go of his dick and pouts, sitting up, “Gonna leave me hanging?” 

Ryan rolls his eyes, “Seems like you were doing fine without me.” 

Shane wriggles his eyebrows, the stupid fake beard shaking comically. “I bet we can do better.” 

Ryan joins him on the bed, stroking up a leg, “One thing baby.” 

“Name it, I’d do anything for love.” 

“Get rid of the beard.” 

“But I won’t do that.” 

Ryan pinches his thigh, “One more Meat Loaf reference in bed and I’m breaking up with you.” 

“A man can’t relive the glory days?” 

“Oh god.” 

“Back in my day we played stickball and we _loved_ it-”

Ryan kisses him quiet, sneaks his fingers around the back of Shane’s head to slip the beard off. 

Shane laughs into his mouth, pulls away to say, “Y’know age is just a number baby, it’s how you feel on the inside.” 

“You do feel good on the inside,” Ryan says, scraping his thumbnails over Shane’s chest. 

Shane shivers against his hands, lips descending on his throat and fingers pulling at his clothes. Ryan helps, the both of them stripping him quickly. Shane’s hands press all over him, and god he never feels so small as when those hands cover so much of him at once. Overwhelmed, Ryan kisses him again, kisses him until inhaling through his nose is near useless, lungs burning. 

Then Shane’s fingers are slippery with lube, breaching him perfectly and Ryan can’t focus on anything else. The long fingers are ideal, and he’s tempted to insist on all of them. But Shane’s cock is already out, thick and sizable, and Ryan wants that more. Riding Shane’s fingers to dick isn’t a smooth transition- Ryan accidentally knees him in the kidney and Shane elbows his arm- but Ryan makes up for it quickly, hips churning.

Shane groans, grips his waist tight. “I’m gonna need a new hip with how you’re riding me.” 

“No, absolutely not,” Ryan laughs out, stops moving. Fully seated on Shane’s dick, he feels amazing, the stretch and the warmth, and he could sit here all night. 

Shane grins, “I think so.” 

“I hate you.” 

“I’m not too elderly to put you over my knee.” 

Ryan snorts, “I’d like to see you try old man river.” 

Shane fucking beams up at him, and Ryan can’t regret playing into his stupid thing. “Aiming for a smart bottom?” Shane asks, smacking his ass, and making Ryan jolt. They both moan at the sudden shift, and Ryan clenches, delighting in a string of Shane’s muttered curses. 

He takes a deep breath, rubbing his sides,“Dagnabit! Oughta tan your hide.” 

Ryan drags himself up slowly off Shane’s cock, until only half’s inside him, saying, “Maybe later.”

“My walking stick could use a little-”

Ryan drops down hard, the rest of Shane’s sentence crumpling into a moan. 

Pleased, Ryan grinds into his lap, small little circles that undulate between not enough and far too close to an orgasm. 

“Hmm, I don’t think caning is a good idea babe. I’m going to the gym tomorrow, if we do that I can’t wear the plug. You know I like that for the elliptical.” 

Shane shudders, falls back against the pillows as his hips try to jerk up, Ryan’s weight holding them snugly in place. He can feel Shane’s cock tensing inside him, slips a hand down to finger his balls. 

“Don’t old men have issues ejaculating?” Ryan asks, tempted to just yank them down. 

“Fuck, don’t you dare, Ry,” Shane says. 

“I dunno,” he says slowly. “Seems like we should be going for realism here.” 

Shane snorts, and this time he bucks his hips harder, manages to actually move them both, pressing against his prostate for too long. It dislodges his hand too, and Ryan is too close to coming to care. He grabs the headboard instead, riding Shane harder and harder. 

“God you’re so beautiful,” Shane says, large fingertips racing up his arms and down his back. 

Ryan barks out a small laugh, “Killin’ the vibe. I was gonna tell you that you’re not nutting tonight, village elder.” 

“Oh Ryan,” Shane begins, his tone promising sweet retribution as he reaches down to grab his dick and _fuck_. He’d been so hyper-focused on the huge cock up his ass he’d been able to ignore his throbbing dick until now. 

“You want me to,” he says, tight hitched strokes that mirror how he’s riding Shane. “You want me to spill inside you, so much that you feel full even without me. That it’ll drip down your thighs and-”

“Fuck!” Ryan yells, spurting all over Shane’s chest and rolling off, flopping beside him. Sated and boneless, all the feelings come back that he’d been ignoring- the burning in his thighs (he really needed to stop skipping leg day), the sweat dripping everywhere, and the chilly bedroom from Shane’s insistence on an open window.

Shane’s biting his lip, waiting, and it sends a deep thrill through him. 

“After all that talk, you gonna finish in me or not big guy?” 

“Fuck yes,” Shane says, back inside him within a blink. It feels perverse really, the way his hole just opens wide for him, still stretched and slick. The way Shane fucks him fast and shallow, staying away from his over-sensitive prostate. His soft cock bounces with every thrust, and if Shane does this much longer, Ryan’s sure he’ll get hard again.

(He doesn’t. And that’s probably for the best, exhaustion creeping in.)

.

A few nights later, they’re kissing in bed slowly. There’s no real rush, the crickets are chirping loudly enough to overpower any other background noise, and time doesn’t feel real. It’s moments like these that make Ryan realize how much he loves Shane, how lucky he is they found each other. 

Shane pulls back softly, thumbs over his jawline, “Hey babe, did you remember your Viagra?” 

Ryan chokes on nothing, “How many times do I have to tell you I’m not into this?” 

“What? I can’t hear you,” Shane says, barely restraining a grin. “Speak into my good ear!” 

Goddammit, he fucking loves this dork.


End file.
